NEW YEAR'S DOGSOLUTION

It's that time of year when humans make New Year's resolutions. It only seems fair that

my canine kind should able to make resolutions too.  Before embarking on this endeavor, it seemed prudent (50 cent word of the day) to determine if a 'resolution' is a desirable pursuit for a dog.

What is a ‘resolution’?  It’s a noun.  If you’re a human, you probably think this is a good because nouns are ‘things’ and humans like to buy and have ‘things’.  Dogs however like verbs because they generally indicate action!  Action equates to fun.

But I digress.

Resolution (a noun) is about being determined or resolute about a course of action that has been decided on.  On the other hand, it does not mean a human that makes a resolution intends to take the action to do what they have determined is what needs to be done.  Maybe this is why even though 40%-plus humans make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, eat healthier or take more time off with their kids (or their dog), they end up not keeping their commitment.  A resolution is about saying what you are determined to do (noun) rather than doing it (action).

In circumspect, a ‘resolution’ seems well-suited to humans rather than dogs. As most dogs know, humans are more bark than bite or more talk than walk.

So, here’s my lesson of the day… Humans should consider New Year's Dogsolutions instead of resolutions.  Dogsolutions (says me) are ACTIONS you take at the start of a new year to get what you want by the end of that year. Humans would actually achieve something this way (a novel idea) and besides, 'dogsolutions' is a word than resolutions.

Okay, the question of the day is from Royal who asked:  Dear Parker, I’m a special dog with a unique pedigree (thus the name ‘royal’).  What can I do for New Years that is in keeping with my upper class style rather than the typical, tawdry slumming for party leftovers like other dogs?

Dear Royal:

First of all, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to invite you to a party but should someone be kind enough to do so, you could always spend the evening entertaining yourself in front of a mirror.

THE INSIDE STORY

One of my favorite forms of entertainment is what I call ‘Search’.  Jet (my foster mom) places a treat or a few pieces of food inside a plastic Easter egg she then seals it inside a baggie, then wraps it inside a recycled newspaper bag and places it in a recycled food box.  (… Like an empty toothpaste box.)  She uses different containers for this game multiple Tupperware containers she buys at the $1 Store but essentially I have to search through one container (obstacle) to get to the next and so on.  The point is that the challenge of searching through each layer is to get to the prize inside.  It's great fun  and the harder the search, the greater the entertainment and reward at the end.

Jet says humans do something similar.  Cops peel back the layers of evidence to find the bad guy inside.  Hmmm.  I asked if there were more enjoyable ways that humans participated in playing ‘Search’ and she shared some great stories with me.  She said there is a boxed snack called Cracker Jacks with a prize inside and a candy called Tootsie Pops with a gooey chocolate center inside.  I’d like to try both. 

I watched some mini humans search ‘nesting’ dolls one time.  At the end of the search was an itsy bitsy, nesting doll. 

"What was the point of this type of search," I asked Jet. 

Jet asked me, “Why do some dogs search for rabbits?”  Well, I pointed out that some dogs, like me, search for rabbits because we are hunters and they are rodent we are to kill and/or eat; others like my dog pal Nokona just search them out because they enjoy chasing them into a hole or under a fence.  Jet pointed out that sometimes humans and dogs simply find the search itself is a prize or reward.  This is one reason why humans enjoy opening nesting dolls. 

If this is true, it seems more humans would be like dogs and enjoy searching for new jobs, a new date, a new client, a new friend, a new church, a new dog, a new home or apartment, a new car…  What I find however is that most humans seemed annoyed by these searches.

So, here’s my lesson of the day… Humans should be like dogs and enjoy the chase of something as much as they like discovering what’s inside what they chase.  Humans: if you don’t find the search for something any fun, maybe you’re looking for the wrong thing or… maybe you’ve forgotten the thrill of the chase itself.

Okay, the question of the day is from Toodles who asked:  Dear Parker, when does a dog stop growing?  I’m almost 5 months old and dinky.  I hope to get bigger so I’m not always the runt running around the yard with the other dogs.

Dear Toodles: 

What an interesting question.  You didn’t indicate your breed so I’m not sure how big you will get but I can tell you that smaller dogs reach full growth between 9 to 18 months.  This includes growth up and out. Larger breed dogs generally take up to two years for full growth but monster breeds like Mastiffs may keep growing up to their third year. Yikes!  Make sure you are getting the proper nutritional food for your age – every year and you will grow to bigger like your canine pals and remain healthy too.

Don’t forget to keep growing INSIDE too. Knowledge is like nutrition for the brain. I notice that humans tend to grow physically for a long time but then fail to keep growing inside.  Dogs are no different and should keep learning throughout their lives to ensure their brain is bright and their relationships and life are exciting. 

TWELVE DOG DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Jet, my foster mom, says, “Declare what you desire.”  Her view is that you don’t get what you don’t ask for so make sure you state your wishes.  I decided Christmas was the perfect time to test her theory so I wrote my version of the Twelve Days of Christmas to communicate all I want.

Start the TUNE and sing along…

On the first day of Christmas, my master gave to me: a fluffy king-sized bed.

On the second day of Christmas, my master gave to me: my own entourage

On the third day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 3 fire hydrants

On the fourth day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 4 rescued buddies…

On the fifth day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 5 good nights sleep

 

On the sixth day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 6 chewy biscuits

On the seventh day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 7 out-of-jail cards

On the eighth day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 8 sweaters modeling

On the ninth day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 9 dog pals parading

On the tenth day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 10 toys for playing

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my master gave to me: 11 milk bones for burying

On the twelve day of Christmas, my master gave to me: ornaments hanging

So, here’s my lesson of the day… If your master isn’t quite sure what to give you on Christmas, simply sing the "Twelve Dog Days of Christmas" to them with your own ideas.  One extra thing, don’t forget the real meaning of Christmas is the ultimate gift God gave to humans – Jesus – and the ultimate gift God gave to dogs – humans.

Okay, the question of the day is from Krump who asked:  Dear Parker, my name is Krump and I’m in a funk.  I heard Jet, your foster mom, tried to rescue an abandoned dog trapped in the middle of a highway and a trucker clipped him and no one stopped to help her get him off the road.  What happened to the kind spirit of Christmas?

Dear Krump:

I've got the rest of the story and it's good news.  Just as Jet was about to get to the dog, a car clipped against his hip and he freaked out and fell to the ground. No one stopped to help but Jet dragged him off the road and eventually the Christmas spirit came alive in the hearts of a lady named Temple Morrow and two kind men who came to help. They got the traffic away from Jet and the dog and Temple took the dog home for healing and to give him a new home. I'll provide a photo for our readers soon but be at peace this Christmas story had a happy ending.

RESISTING THE GREATEST REWARDS

Want to train a dog?  - Reward us.  The key is consistency in your message and determining the right reward.  I’m a rat terrier and we are ‘rewarded’ by pleasing our beloved master.  Other dogs are a lot like men and the best motivator is through their stomach.  Offer them food or treats and they will do whatever you ask.

There are exceptions to this rule.  Certain breeds of dogs (and humans) are more stubborn or like Piper (a fox terrier mix).  They are often smart, to the point of being clever but they are like willful three year olds who may know what to do but CHOOSE whether or not to obey depending on their mood.

Piper is a very bright dog.  She knows our walking rules.  Jet (our foster mom) doesn’t have many rules but she is strict about those that exist.  Specifically: stay on the leash unless we are in an open field.  Commands like ‘stay’ mean stop immediately and do not move until you get the command to do so.  If you break the rules, you lose a privilege for a while.  It’s sort of like a time out for humans.  There is one rule that Piper will mind – IF she wants to but she will ignore the same rule if it suits her.  She ‘stays’ when she feels like it but if she wants to run or chase a rabbit and not stop when commanded to then she races on.  A command to stay has nothing to do with being near traffic or roads; it is about adhering to rules set up to protect us. No matter how many times Piper is told, she will ignore the “stay” rule sometimes and lose the privilege of our field walks off leash.  Why repeat the same mistake over and over?

TO PONDER:

• Is it because the punishment isn’t strict enough?  

• Is it because the reward for adhering to the rule isn’t good enough?  

• Is it because the price paid for disobeying the rule is so quickly overcome?  

• Is it because the taste of what is loved so much is so much better than the taste of   

   the punishment that comes from misbehaving?  

• Why is getting our way more important than the consequences of doing the right 

   thing? What does it take to get a willful dog (or human) to do the right thing when 

   they don’t want to do it?

(Such deep questions... I was probably a Zen philosopher in another life.)

Humans struggle the same way with addictions.  I’ve witnessed some of the brightest and most successful humans lose almost everything they have (or lose it all) because there is just one thing in their life they know they shouldn’t do but do it anyway. Maybe it is spending money in a poor fashion; perhaps it is excessive gambling.  Regardless, they lose so much when they insist on pursuing 'it' to excess.

So, here’s my lesson of the day… Maybe the “Pipers” of the world need to look at the situation differently as defined by the author of “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking”.  The author reminds us that we are not giving in to something when we buckle under to an obsession or constantly breaking a good rule; instead, we are giving up the ultimate something: our liberty, our freedom to really choose what is best for us.  – I’m paraphrasing of course but my advice is to consider this perspective before paying the price of resisting the rewards best for us before the rewards stop being offered.

Okay, the question of the day is from Charlie who asked:  Hey Parker, I am a new reader of your column.  I’ve got my humans reading it too. My question is what can my parents use to measure me properly for a new winter coat?

Dear Charlie:

Try this site for your humans Charlie.  It shows a diagram with the proper way to measure a dog for collars and coats.

http://paradiseamerica.hypermart.net/efy/dogmeasure.html

MORPH MASTERS

Although I write my blog three times a week, I still have a lot of time to watch humans.  I’m a dog.  What else am I going to do?  You can only chase tail and toys so many times in a day.

It’s interesting how humans can morph into something new or different… like a butterfly. 

Add caption

There is this exotic looking human on a TV show called: The Good Wife.  Her name is Kalinda.  (I’d like to see her eyes on a dog or a cat.  I just know they would look so cool.)

On Tuesday night's show, Kalinda said, “I didn’t like who I was so I changed me.”

Humans don’t like their hair so they cut it and color it.  They don’t like their job so they get a new one.  They don’t like their job so they get a new one.  Jet (my foster mom) says that America is the ultimate melting pot of morph masters – humans changing into something new.  Jet says it’s more amazing than a butterfly morphing out of a caterpillar to see humans make equally dramatic changes.  Some of her favorites: a depression-era crop picker who morphed into a college teacher (her mom), a guy living on the street who became a successful stockbroker. (See Pursuit of Happyness).

When humans make such incredible changes in their life, are they running to something or running away from something?  Jet says it doesn't matter what motivates them, only that they take action and change.

So, here’s my lesson of the day… If butterflies can morph, humans can too so if you don’t like your life, change it.   

Okay, the question of the day is from Cleveland asked:  Dear Parker, I want to know: is there anything better in life than a friend?”

Dear Cleveland:

Not much. 

…And I think the otters in the video below would agree with me.

otter friends
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno

MORPHA MASTERS

Although I write my blog three times a week, I still have a lot of time to watch humans.  I’m a dog.  What else am I going to do?  You can only chase tail and toys so many times a day.

It’s interesting how humans can morph into something new or different… like a butterfly 

There is this exotic looking human on The Good Wife named, Kalinda.  (I’d like to see her eyes on a dog or a cat.  I just know they would look so cool.)

Last night, Kalinda said, “I didn’t like who I was so I changed me.”

Humans don’t like their hair so they cut it and color it.  They don’t like their job so they get a new one.  They don’t like their life so they move and start over.  Jet says that America is the ultimate melting pot of morph masters – humans changing into something new.  Jet says it’s more amazing than a butterfly morphing out of a caterpillar to see humans make equally dramatic changes.  Some of her favorites: a depression-era crop picker who morphed into a college teacher (her mom), a guy living on the street who became a successful stockbroker (see Pursuit of Happyness).

When humans make such incredible changes in their life, are they running to something or running away from something?  Jet says it doesn't matter if they change because they are unhappy or because they see something that will make them happier.  The important thing is that they know things could be better and they go for it.

 So, here’s my lesson of the day… If butterflies can morph, humans can too so if you don’t like your life, change it.  

 

Okay, the question of the day is from Cleveland asked:  Dear Parker, I want to know: is there anything better in life than a friend?”

Dear Cleveland:

Not much. 

…And I think the otters in the video below would agree with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno

I NEED GLASSES

Isn’t it funny how different generations see things?  I’m still rather young, even in dog years but already I find puppies and younger dogs like Nokona see things I no longer see.  Let me give you three examples.

We took Nokona for a long walk last week and he nearly jumped out of his fur with excitement.  I was perplexed.  We walk the same neighborhood every day and night.  He ran to Dixie’s house, looked up and said, “The sky is raining stars!” 

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that all he was seeing was his first Christmas lights.

Around the block we go and Nokona acts like a human when they hit the jackpot at a casino.  “Look!  Look!”, he says.  “It’s a winter doghouse with nightlights so the doggie inside won’t get scared.”

Again, I couldn’t tell him it was simply a holiday igloo.  Besides, he looked so doggone (so to speak) cute in the darn thing.

On the final lap of our walk, Nokona energized once more when he discovers what he refers to as a ‘winter scarecrow’ when in fact he had just seen his first snowman.

What happened to my eyesight?  Nokona and I are looking at the same thing but we see two completely different objects each time.  I asked Jet (my foster mom) if I need glasses and if so, do they make them for dogs?

Jet says that as dogs and humans age their eyesight often gets weaker. Dogs often get cataracts (I was wondering why my pal Spot has milky blue eyes and runs into stuff sometimes) and humans get far or nearsighted and start wearing glasses to see better.  I understand this but I’m not seeing poorly compared to Nokona, I’m seeing differently.

According to Jet, I don’t need an eye doctor to help me with this but instead I need to view the world through my imagination rather than just through the eyes connected to my brain.  She said the imagination gives us very special sight.  Jet also said humans often need to do the same.

My pals with imagination vision seem to have more fun; humans with imagination vision seem to have more everything.

So, here’s my lesson of the day… I think humans and dogs are not so different in regards of what we see as we get older but we deal with it differently.  Humans get glasses; dogs (at least the wise ones like me) reconnect with their puppy view.  My advice for humans is to get a puppy or some other young critter and you’ll see things in a much more pleasant, inventive fashion.  If you can’t get a young creature to help you discover your imagination sight, hang out with kids more.  Do it now because a day without imagination vision is like a lifetime without wonder.  

Okay, the question of the day is from Zoey who asked:  My humans go to the same place on Sunday as your humans where they listen to that guy you call Pastor Yoda.  Sunday is a day off so why wouldn’t they rather stay at home with me?

Dear Zoey:

Humans leak.  Sometimes you’ll see them leak from their eyes.  They call this crying.  Other times (off and on about every day), they leak… spiritual fortitude.  The Sunday visits to Pastor Yoda (as I like to call Pastor Charles Swindoll) works like a gas station because it’s where humans get fueled up with something called faith.  I’m not sure how it works but Jet always seems to feel better when she comes home on Sundays.

A DOG'S STORE FOR HUMANS

Humans are always losing things.   They lose track of time, they lose their sense of humor… they lose their dreams.  I overheard one human say they lost their kid.  Geez.  It’s bad enough losing a dog but losing a kid!

When I commented to Jet about humans losing their kid she said it was a figure of speech.  (The English language is so complicated.) 

Jet is my foster mom.  She said humans are born with a kid inside of them but a trickster divined out of worry, stress and hardship steals our kid away and most humans never find their ‘inside’ kid again.

Sounds like a sci-fi movie.

I asked Jet about another thing humans lose: dreams.  

“What’s a dream?”, I wanted to know.

She defined it as: The fierce fire that burns inside the spirit of all humans to make them feel invincible enough to fulfill a spectacular purpose designed just for them.  She added that this ‘fire’ keeps you up at night, energizes you when you’re so tired you’re hair hurts, springs eternal and fuels hope when all is lost.

Hmmm.  Makes you wonder if a dream a burden or a blessing?

But I digress.

The point of reminding all my human readers about how many things they’ve lost is to announce a solution.  I will open a store where humans can ‘buy back what they’ve lost’.  (Low interest payment plans are available.)

Imagine, any human can walk in to this store and find their inner kid, their lost dreams, and their sense of humor.  They can even find all the lost time they need to do the things that are really important: a prayer for someone in need, a hug for someone lonely, a day in the park with the dog they love.

So, here’s my lesson of the day… Jet says humans can almost achieve anything with a big enough dream, the imagination of a kid, a sense of humor and time.  – The things they always seem to lose. So humans, go find what you’ve lost and see what wonders fill your life.

Okay, the question of the day is from Polly who asked:  Why do you have to buy the stuff at a human gift shop?  Gifts are what you give to people so shouldn’t a gift shop be a place to leave a gift or pick up a gift rather than buy a gift?

Dear Polly:

Humans are strange sometimes.  They often tend to do things in a very backward manner.  It’s confounding.  (Look it up.)  One of the most perplexing backward things they do is spend money they ‘think’ they will have but in reality they don’t have it.  - Backwards. I think I overheard Jet call these humans… Deficit Dummies.

WALLS...

For those of you who are new to my world, you may not be aware of my history before becoming a famous blogamist (dog columnist-blogger).  I was abandoned by my previous owners and left on the streets many months before being picked up by the pound.  Thinking I was lucky, I settled in to the place.  All I could think was I had the safety of four walls around me again and two regular meals a day.  Little did I know that this place was a short-term rest stop for death row.

Word got out that I was really sweet, well trained and smart and Jet (my foster mom) rescued me the day before I was to be euthanized.  Again, I’m thinking I hit the mother load because not only did I have the security of walls around me but this time the front wall wasn’t a cage door, the place smelled better and I had lots of spots where I could run and adventure.  I even enjoyed the four walls of a doctor’s office that gave me secret sauce and other special ingredients to get rid of my mange.  My skin stopped hurting and my fur returned.  Walls… what a blessing.

I listen to humans who don’t seem to realize how lucky they are to have these walls that they often call ‘home’.  I think its because they are obsessed with the wrong type of walls.  Humans are hung up on the walls around their heart, the walls at work, the walls between them and other humans.

There’s NOTHING better than a dog (or just about any critter) to, as former President Reagan would say, “G- Bring down that wall.”  Animals have a knack for melting the hard minds and hearts that build walls inside humans so they can learn to really enjoy the walls outside (homes) themselves.

So, here’s my lesson of the day… Next time you think of your home, remember you are so blessed to have the safety and comfort of these walls around you.  Remember too that walls are designed to protect us on the outside not block what belongs in our world on the inside.

 

Okay, the question of the day is from ChooChoo who asked:  My ‘choo choo’ has done too much ‘chewing’ and I feel like my caboose is chug-chugging too slow now.  What’s wrong with me?

Dear ChooChoo:

Your excessive taste (so to speak) for figures of speech to actually ‘talk’ makes responding a bit of a challenge.  If I’ve translated your question correctly, you’ve been overeating and your backend feels like it is weighing you down when you walk.

HUMANS!  Here is a cool tool to determine if your beloved companion is overweight (as most are).  It’s an automated pet weight translator provided by the Association for Pet Obesity Prevention.  Check it out ChooChoo (with your humans) and get the chug out of your caboose.

http://www.petobesityprevention.com/pet-weight-translator/

GET UP! GET GOING!

Sometimes Jet plays CDs made by her pastor.  She calls him… Pastor Swindoll.  Apparently, a pastor is something like a Yoda that brings in light to a human’s dark side.  I love Star Wars’ so this guy must be awesome.

Anyway, I was listening to Pastor Yoda (as I fondly call him).  He told the story of a mother giraffe that gave birth to a baby. BAM! The little guy comes out and lands right on his head and front feet.  Exhausted, he wants to rest but his mom slugs him one to get him up.  He responds some but decides resting is easier and continues to lay there. BAM! She nails him again.  I was thinking of calling the ASPCA or animal rescue but it turns out she does this on purpose.

Huh?

The mother giraffe is loving but forceful and makes the baby get up as fast as possible – within minutes of birth.  Why? The baby must join the herd and move on before predators (that’s the bad guys) realize a vulnerable new kid is around and easy to capture and eat.  I’m confused.  Why would Pastor Yoda tell such a story?

Jet, my foster mom, says God does the same thing to people sometimes.  God nudges us up.  Humans sometimes flounder in one place because of depression, an accident, a tough surgery, a loss, joblessness, discouragement from an event.  If we stay there too long, sometimes the nudge turns in to a kick in the tush. BAM!

So, here’s my lesson of the day… Laying around too long (for animals or humans) is dangerous. Just like giraffes can get attacked by killer animals, humans can be killed by ennui. (Look it up.)  Too much immobility does more than stall your day.  It kills dreams and futures.  So, get up and get going!

Okay, the question of the day is from Trigger who asked:  No, I’m not a horse just because my name is Trigger so please no jokes.  My question Parker is, “How can I help my human parents see things from my perspective?”  Sometimes they make it hard to reach stuff and forget how low to the ground I sit.

Dear Trigger:

I’ve got just the solution: Pet’s Eye View.  It’s a new gadget humans buy.  It’s a camera that attaches to your collar so they can see things from your perspective.  (Of course, they are also seeing when you get in to ‘stuff’ you are NOT supposed to get in to so be careful.)  See the link below for more info.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/pets/afbc/